At some point in my journey in motherhood, I've learned to forgive myself. I don't know when exactly it happened. Was it with the first baby? Or when I had the second? Was it when I had to give up nursing Felicity? That took a lot of forgiveness.
It's probably been a gradual process, a lesson learned deeper with each child. Now I'm expecting my fifth baby--only 5 weeks to go. I find myself often thinking, "It's alright... It's because you're pregnant... You deserve it... Better to just let it go... Just try your best, it's all you can do... Don't worry about it... If it's important, you can do it tomorrow... Don't feel guilty... and all sorts of other phrases that excuse me from feeling guilty about whatever it is I'm thinking about.
I've just wondered if this is a good thing. I realized yesterday I'm not studying the gospel anymore. I read the scriptures and hear the prophets and I enjoy what I read and hear but I don't think deeply on a subject anymore. I don't even feel like I can! I don't contribute to gospel discussions in sunday school. I sometimes don't even go to Relief Society because I might cry. I wonder if I forgive myself so much that I'm losing something.
But forgiving myself keeps me sane. Otherwise, when I stay up late at night with insomnia playing Sudoku puzzles I would feel frustrated with myself and my life. Now, I just say to myself, Don't stress; tomorrow will be a sick day. Or when I catch myself raising my voice to the kids, I just remember, Quiet time is not too far away and I can pray harder for patience tomorrow! Or, when I haven't planned a ward activity for several months and that is my calling, I think, Maybe next year will be better!
Do we sometimes excuse ourselves too much?
You know, it doesn't really matter anyway, does it?! I cope; I survive; I try to remember to enjoy it.
6 comments:
I suppose sometimes we do forgive ourselves s little too much, but you do well. I watch you with all your little ones and all I cam think is, "She does such a good job." I cannot see any fault with what you do. And your children...my grandchildren...are well cared for and know they are loved.
Don't be so hard on yourself!! I love you and csan't weait to seer you!
No, you are not forgiving yourself too much right now at this point in your life. You do not have a "problem" with forgiving yourself too much.
It will be soon that you will be normal again, and soon that you will be studying again, and hearing again, and mothering again, and living again :)
But right now it is your job to forgive yourself...and to survive. Keep on keepin' on and fake it till you make it.
Just think about Christmas 2011 when your Baby is 1 and you are full of vitality! Five little kids around the Christmas tree and pot-belly stove. Won't that be the best Christmas ever!
Being pregnant is just hard--such a blessing--but so hard. You will feel good again someday.
It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.
:)
I know exactly what you are saying, Rhyetta! I am always wondering if I am supposed to just suck it up and work harder or give myself a break. Not possible to forgive yourself too much. I know you, and I know that you are doing the best you can. You can forgive yourself because you know that Christ makes up the difference.
I call it preservation of energy--prioritizing and using whatever energy you have on the most important things at hand. And I vote no, you can't forgive yourself too much. Your life is progressing in seasons; right now you are birthing, feeding, clothing, and housing your family: that takes a lot of energy (and, BTW, is the highest calling bestowed on women). High five.
The comments your sisters and Mom left here have made me all teary. They are right. Funny how you think you're being too forgiving to yourself when really you might just being too hard on yourself.
There seems to be (I'm figuring it out myself) a time and season to everything--a time to participate in deep gospel discussions in Relief Society, and a time to play Sudoku until you finally find some sleep.
Blessings on you through the birth of this sweet baby.
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