I started writing a long blog post about this whole cancer thing, and I think it will have to wait till later. However, I do want to share my current thoughts. (Which just don't want to come out right.)
Where is the proper place for fear and worry in the reality I am only beginning to grasp as a lifelong fight for my life on this earth? I have unshakable faith that I, Rhyetta and the kids' as well, am in God's hands. That if it were His will, this cancer would instantly leave my body and not plague us anymore. I know that I need to "fear not; but be believing."
However, the reality of the situation is this: I have an extremely rare cancer that has very little research on how to cure it, let alone on how to treat it. I don't even know if the 5 weeks of radiation that burned the inside and outside of my rear end worked or no, or if it will ever work. I don't know if surgery will get all of it out of my bum where it began. I worry the doctors aren't telling me everything, especially when I read their report and more information is in that then what was discussed. I fear, yes I fear and worry, that when I go in for my scans on the 21st it will show the cancer is still there and has spread. I fear that when I go in for surgery on the 25th that it will be more invasive than previously thought. I read blogs of people fighting the same disease and I don't like what I read because for them it has spread, radiation and chemo do nothing but stall the spread, and not even changing their diet helps. The reality of my situation is that if I don't put up a fight, my life may end sooner than I want; yet even if I do it still might end up that way. I fear that if I don't put on a "good face" then I am not strong.
When faced with this reality, fear and worry are a natural response. Do I give in to it? Absolutely not! Does it consume my conscious thoughts? Not always, especially when I am busy. Does it define who I am? Not in the least bit! Do I wish we didn't have to deal with this at all? Of course.
In the face of my fear and worry, my faith in a loving Heavenly Father and Savior, Jesus Christ sustain me. My sweet eternal companion, best friend, nutritionist, researcher, shoulder to cry on, and fellow warrior sustain me. My six children sustain me. The many family, friends, coworkers, and strangers that pray for me and my family sustain me. The unseen hands that guide me and my family sustain me. I couldn't do it by myself, that's for sure. I have a lot to fight for, and every day that I am blessed to be alive that's what I am going to do. There will be good days, and yes, there will be bad days, but in the end (no pun intended) we will win.
Any who, I'm not as eloquent in my writing as Rhyetta, so I may just leave it to her to share. That's all for now.
5 comments:
Ummm, I call this post eloquent! I hope you keep posting.
That was beautiful thank you for sharing!
You should write as often as you can. Both of you. Whether here or privately. Because no matter how things play out, your writing during this time will be both therapeutic for you now and a treasure to you later. Your writings of this time will stand as a testimony of your faith and how you were supported by the hand of God through this trial. Years from now you and your children will be able to revisit things you wrote at this time of trial and see the Hand of God even if it is sometimes hard to see it now in the blinding shock of so much raw emotion. Write do that someday your babies will read and understand what faithful stalwarts they have as parents.
Thank you, Matt, for such a heart-felt note. I love hearing from you. You and yours are always in my prayers.
prayers for you and your family. thank you for sharing your raw emotions. many more prayers for you all.
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